War on Terror futures exhibit folly of Bush administration

01 August 2003

By Henry Lopez, Daily Californian (U. California-Berkeley)

BERKELEY, Calif. -- It's a terrible thing when greatness is within your

grasp and then slips away. Earlier this week I was sure I found the way to 
deal with the University of California fee increase and love the war in Iraq 
in one fell swoop. Surprisingly enough, that stroke of inspiration came from 
the most unlikely of sources.

The Bush administration.

Earlier this week, it was widely reported that the Department of Defense was 
about to launch a new Web site that would allow ordinary folks to invest in 
the War on Terror. I kid you not.

The Web site would list possible happenings in international affairs and 
people could buy futures contracts on the propositions most likely to pan 
out. Each contract would pay out $1 per futures contract purchased, making 
it important to get in on the ground floor of a new catastrophe.

Now of course it may seem distasteful to invest in human misery, but that's 
just sentimental rubbish. The rich have been doing it for years, why 
shouldn't the rest of us get a cut of the action? After all, the 
propositions were all going to be about occurrences in different countries; 
its not like real people are involved.

Just imagine.

If everyone on campus pooled all of his or her money together -- what a
killing we could make!  We could each make enough money to pay off our CARS 
bill and have enough left over for one hell of a raging party with good 
beer, not Keystone Light.

We just need the right proposition and a bit of luck. Here's how I see it 
all going down. All we would have to do is wait until the Web site posted 
the proposition of a certain official getting whacked in his sleep.

Since we want to make a lot of money, it needs to be someone unlikely to get 
snuffed out, maybe a peace envoy or something along those lines. Picking 
someone like Osama bin Laden might be tempting but it's not bound to pay well.

Then we just put our collective money in the pot, buying tens of thousands 
of contracts on the proposition at a penny a piece. Then when he bites it, 
all our thousands of shares each pay off at a buck a piece. Voila! We're set!

Of course, you might think this sounds like gambling, but I say no! If the 
poor bastard doesn't kick on time, we just might have to nudge him a bit. As 
a community we could just get ourselves a team of international hitters to 
put this guy down.

We'll need a lot of money for this. I was watching The A-team on Nick at 
Nite last week and those guys wanted a hundred grand for each job and that 
was 15 years ago!

But much has changed since then, and with the high unemployment rate in the 
former Soviet Union and good exchange rates, I'm sure we could get a 
top-notch commando team on the cheap. A 50-cent surcharge on each football 
ticket sold this season or a nickel tax on each beer sold to an underage kid 
in Berkeley should be able to cover it.

But alas, my dreams were shot like Ole Yeller. Only a few hours after having 
heard about the DOD's plans, some chicken hearts in the Senate objected to 
the launching of the Web site and today's planned launch has been scrubbed.

Obviously their so-called liberal members of the Senate don't really care 
about providing the means for a college education to all Americans. If they 
did, they would ride this opportunity like a pony.

In my view this is a win-win situation. Gordon Gecko would be so proud! It 
would compel students to take an active interest in international affairs 
and get us all on board with the War on Terror.

But the benefits don't stop there. Since we'd be investing in a private 
market, the expense would be almost nothing. I know when I first heard about 
this idea I could feel my heart swelling with patriotism.

What a slap in the face it is to lose such a sparkling opportunity. This is 
so typical of how things work in this country. You dangle the brass ring in 
front of the masses only to snatch it away.