BorowitzReport.com
July 29, 2003.  

POINDEXTER TO HEAD DEPT. OF BAD IDEAS

‘So Bad They’re Good,’ Rumsfeld Says

The Pentagon has named Retired Admiral John Poindexter, the man responsible 
for the recently abandoned idea of a “terrorism futures market,” to head the 
newly created Department of Bad Ideas, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld 
announced today.

Washington insiders saw the appointment as a major promotion for Mr. 
Poindexter, since in his new role he will oversee, develop and authorize 
funding for all of the Pentagon’s bad ideas, believed to number in the 
millions.

But Secretary Rumsfeld, while acknowledging the importance of the Department 
of Bad Ideas (DBI), attempted to put Admiral Poindexter’s appointment in the 
proper perspective.

“For as long as I’ve known John, he’s been all about bad ideas,” Mr. 
Rumsfeld says. “This just makes it official.”

Admiral Poindexter’s storied career in the field of bad ideas dates all the 
way back to the 1980’s when he was a key figure in the Iran-Contra scandal.

More recently, he has stayed in the headlines as the guiding force behind a 
variety of crackpot schemes that were denounced as harebrained, insane or 
unconstitutional before being quickly withdrawn. 

When told that Mr. Pondexter would, in his new role at the Pentagon, be 
pumping out dozens of terrible ideas a day, President Bush replied, “Bring 
‘em on.”

In his announcement, Mr. Rumsfeld said that the website for the Department 
of Bad Ideas includes a “jump the shark” feature, enabling voters to 
pinpoint the moment when the Pentagon “jumped the shark” or went terribly awry.

As of press time, the three most popular choices were: 1) “Letting Osama bin 
Laden get away;” 2) “Letting Saddam Hussein get away;” and 3) “Hiring John 
Poindexter.”