Commentary: Ideas for futures markets 

490 words 
3 August 2003
NPR: Weekend Edition - Sunday

LIANE HANSEN, host: 

Every once in a while an idea floats through the Washington maelstrom that 
is so obviously a political liability that a bipartisan groundswell 
instantly builds to kill it. Admiral John Poindexter, of the Pentagon's 
Defense Research Projects Agency, was the author of such a proposal. When 
the plan was revealed last week, it was immediately denounced by Democrats 
and Republicans alike. WEEKEND EDITION humorist Andy Borowitz isn't so sure 
the admiral was off point. 

ANDY BOROWITZ: 

I'm inclined to take a charitable view of Admiral Poindexter's terrorism 
futures market concept. We live in an increasingly unpredictable world, so 
who can blame a guy for trying to make the world a little more, well, 
predictable. Truth be told, I've been quietly putting together a few little 
futures markets of my own. For example, I'm establishing a futures market to 
determine when the government will once again hire, fire and re-hire the 
federal air marshals. You wouldn't have predicted that they'd fire them this 
week what with reports of renewed hijacking threats. And who would have 
guessed that they'd hire them back the same day? My futures market, that's 
who. 

I've also established a futures market to predict what the administration 
will ultimately settle upon as the reason for going to war in Iraq. When the 
market opened, it looked like weapons of mass destruction were the reason, 
but as of late trading on Friday, the market was moving out of weapons of 
mass destruction and into a weapons of mass destruction program. This market 
seems to fluctuate wildly on an almost daily basis. So unless you have a 
high tolerance for risk, stay out of it. 

I'm putting together a futures market to predict which comic book character 
Hollywood will pounce upon next to turn into an unwatchable summer 
blockbuster. This market is highly speculative. Will it be Jughead, Aquaman, 
Lil Lulu, Marmaduke? I'm hoping this market can predict the exact date the 
film is released so I can leave the country, assuming of course that the air 
marshals happen to be working that weekend. 

Finally, I'm starting a futures market to predict which government official 
will uncork the next kooky plan and then quickly withdraw it after setting 
off a media firestorm. Admiral Poindexter is on his way out, of course, but 
there are plenty of other places to put your money. After all, John Ashcroft 
told us to spy on our neighbors, and Tom Ridge told us to seal our homes in 
duct tape. When it comes to harebrained schemes, it's a bull market out there. 

HANSEN: WEEKEND EDITION humorist Andy Borowitz is the mastermind behind 
borowitz.com, and the author of "Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to 
Surviving in Prison." 

(Soundbite of music) 

HANSEN: It's 22 minutes before the hour.