PUTTING WORLD UP FOR BETTING IS SPECULATION AT ITS FINEST

Dave Addis

03 August 2003
The Virginian-Pilot & The Ledger-Star
B1

Too bad the Defense Department put the whammy on that fascinating plan by 
John Poindexter to let market speculators bet on the outcome of world 
events. There are a couple of unresolved situations out there that we'd 
dearly love to see the oddsmakers tackle, either from Wall Street or the 
sports-betting pit at Harrah's Casino.

Among them:

Two of Saddam Hussein's daughters surfaced Friday in Jordan. In interviews, 
they cooed about how much they love and miss their daddy - even though 
they'd been pretty much under house arrest for the seven years since Daddy 
murdered their husbands. (Ah, heck, what family doesn't have its little 
misunderstandings?) As speculators see it, here's what happens next:

1. The daughters, Raghad and Rana, are hired on the spot by CNN for a 
morning chat show in which they dispense female fashion tips (16 ways to 
spice up that burkha!), and let Sean Penn plug his latest movie. (Current 
odds, 8-to-1.)

2. The Fox Network casts Raghad and Rana as the rambunctious offspring in a 
Hollywood remake of "Father Knows Best." In the pilot, their lovable dad 
"accidentally" backs over their prom dates with an armored personnel 
carrier. Co-stars Mickey Rourke as Odai and Sean Penn as Qusai (Current 
odds, 4-to-1 and rising.)

3. Raghad joins the cast of "Monday Night Football" as a sideline reporter, 
causes ratings to tumble when she refers to a linebacker blitz as a "jihad" 
and predicts that the San Francisco 49ers will "drown in a river of their 
own blood." (Preseason odds, 15-to-1.)

President Bush heads to Crawford, Texas, for his annual monthlong vacation. 
Market speculators are betting that:

1. While fully at rest, the president rakes in more campaign cash than his 
nine Democratic challengers can raise, combined, while working their tragic 
fannies off. Meanwhile, four of the challengers are forced to admit on "Meet 
the Press" that they couldn't find their tragic fannies with both hands. 
(Current odds, 1-to-1.)

2. While puttering in the garden, the president uncovers an aphid 
infestation, orders a counterattack by the 101st Airborne. Denies that he 
violated the law by failing to seek congressional approval, tells Sen. 
Robert C. Byrd to quit whining or he's next. (Current odds, 7-to-2.)

3. After 30 days, the president returns to Washington refreshed, 
re-invigorated, and able to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear." (Current 
odds: Off the boards at 400-to-1.)

North Korea finally agreed last week to multinational talks about its 
nuclear weapons program. Looking ahead, market speculators are laying odds 
that:

1. In exchange for 38 million McDonald's Happy Meals - with coupons for half 
off on fried apple pies - the North Koreans promise to suspend their 
plutonium-conversion program and agree to "Never, ever do that again, ever, 
we promise. Really. We promise." (Current odds: 3-to-1.)

2. North Korean President Kim Jung Il agrees to dismantle his entire nuclear 
weapons program at the very moment that President Bush learns to say 
"nuclear." (Current odds: 16-to-1.)

3. President Bush, apparently mistaking Kim Jung Il for kim chee - a spiced 
cabbage dish - sets off an international incident at a state dinner by 
ordering the North Korean president as an appetizer. (Current odds: Pick 'em.)

Contact Dave at 446-2726, or dave.addis. . . cox.net