Pundit comes to their rescue
COMMENTARY
Kenneth J. Moynihan
06 August 2003
Worcester Telegram & Gazette
A7

The world has reached one of those moments of crisis. Things are so 
confusing that the great, the near-great and the deservedly obscure of the 
political world are in desperate need of unerring advice. How fortunate that 
they know just where to turn.

Dear Pundit: We have not been in close personal touch since you advised me 
so brilliantly on how to get my Iran ontra convictions overturned. For the 
last year-and-a half I've been at the Pentagon, and it has not all been fun. 
My Total Information Awareness program was just about ruined when Congress 
ruled out electronic surveillance of all Americans. Now my Policy Analysis 
Market, which would have allowed traders to bet their money on the 
likelihood of certain events happening in the Middle East, is being 
canceled, and I am being shoved out of the administration.

After all the great ideas I've come up with, I think I deserve better. What 
do you advise?

John M. Poindexter

Dear Mr. Poindexter:

The Bush administration knew what you were up to, but did not anticipate the 
negative public and political reaction. You'd make a great whistle-blower if 
you had not previously been convicted of lying to Congress. It may be time 
to retire, but be careful: They'll be watching you.

Dear Pundit:

On your advice, I told Worcester Magazine I planned to be city manager for 
another 10 years or so, and it worked. No more lame duck! Do you have any 
more great ideas like that?

Thomas R. Hoover

Dear Mr. Hoover: Here's one: Watch your back.

Dear Pundit:

Videotapes show pretty clearly that I and my administration said we had to 
go to war against Iraq because Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass 
destruction, had ties to al-Qaida, and was a threat to us. Now we say the 
war was necessary because Saddam was such a tyrant we had to rescue the 
Iraqi people from his grasp. The difference is pretty embarrassing, but so 
far I've been able to say the new version without blushing.

In fact, I say a lot of embarrassing things without blushing, which I 
attribute to some pills John Poindexter brought me. He swears by them. What 
do you think?

George W. Bush

Dear President Bush:

It might be the pills, but I'm afraid it also might just be you.

Dear Pundit:

Now that those two vicious sons of mine have been removed from life, I feel 
I must reveal to you the fact that, for the last 15 years, I tried to be 
good, but they wouldn't let me.

It took all of my ingenuity to keep them from stockpiling biological and 
chemical weapons, and it was I who prevented the development of nuclear 
weapons as well.

Those awful boys were the regime that needed changing, so Operation Iraqi 
Freedom is a success. Your people can go home now, and I'll take charge. 
Please pass this on to President Bush and ask where I should meet him for my 
swearing-in ceremony.

Saddam Hussein

Dear Mr. Saddam Hussein:

This is good news. I imagine you'll be entitled to the $25 million reward 
for finding yourself, so let me take this occasion to remind you that your 
account is past due.

Dear Pundit:

When I heard Steve Patton would not be running for re-election to the 
Worcester City Council from District 1, I decided this would be a good 
opportunity for me.

I've kind of missed political life and campaigning since I left the state 
Senate.

Now I find out I'm home free. No one else is running for this seat.

Is this because I would be such an intimidating opponent, or are people 
losing interest in council elections?

Thomas P. White

Dear Mr. White: Hard to say. It could also be that if people in Wards 1 and 
2 can't have Steve Patton, they don't want anybody.

Dear Pundit:

As you know, I distributed to my state Senate colleagues a story about the 
American war against the Philippines in the early 1900s.

American commanders shot Muslim prisoners and contaminated their bodies with 
blood and entrails from pigs. This was intended to terrify the Muslim 
fighters who, the Americans thought, held the belief that such contamination 
would block entry to paradise.

The item I distributed, but didn't write, called for trying such a tactic in 
Iraq.

My question to you is: Could you explain to me why some people took offense?

Guy W. Glodis

Dear Sen. Glodis:

Probably not.

Kenneth J. Moynihan's column appears regularly in the Telegram & Gazette.

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